The Thing’s Durability
Now, I know the Thing’s main selling point is his massive strength, but let’s be honest — you can only smash through so many walls or heave so many tanks before the novelty wears off (and let’s not even mention the whole “you’re-everybody’s-buddy-on-moving-day” factor). No, I’d much rather have his immense durability, especially if I could get it without looking like the Bedrock version of the Michelin Man. Think of all the everyday chores that would be so much easier if you didn’t have to worry about putting yourself in harm’s way. Like hailing taxicabs. Or taking shortcuts when you’re tired of waiting for elevators. B+
The Human Torch’s Flame Powers
The first time you do it, it’s pretty cool to see. Fire. From your fingertips. That’s neat. The next couple of times, during camping trips or impromptu Guy Fawkes Day bonfires, you’re the life of the party. After that… Look, there’s a reason why pyrokinetics always go crazy in the movies. You either take up a life of soldering and smoking just so you can save money on matches or you become an unstoppable force of nature — there’s really no middle ground. And don’t get me started on how impossible it would be for a fellow who flames on to not violate local public nudity ordinances, sans a good tailor who specializes in “unstable molecules.” C-
Mr. Fantastic’s Super-Stretching
I’m not going to get into any long-winded diatribes here; I think we can all agree we’ve all experienced those moments where we felt the ability to gain a few inches where it counts would come in pretty damn handy at times. What? I’m talking about cleaning my eavestroughs, what did you think I was talking about? Pervs. A-
The Invisible Woman’s Invisibility
I’ve never understood what possible tactical advantage the power of invisibility would have in combat, superhero or otherwise. Sure, the guy spraying machine-gun fire in your general direction can’t see you, but, you know, machine gun. And spraying. Plus I can’t help recalling that one X-Files episode where some guy learned how to turn invisible and got to enjoy his newfound power a full five seconds before a truck plastered his invisible pancreas all over the highway. Call me antsy, but I’d feel safer knowing the teammates who can hurl fireballs and pieces of concrete had an exact bead on my location at all times. D
The Invisible Woman’s Force Fields
Now we’re talking. No less an authority than Doc Doom himself designated Ms. Richards “the most formidable member of the Fantastic Four,” and he wasn’t referring to her ability to blend in with any room decor. She can generate near-indestructible invisible force fields around herself or anything else she wants, and she can shoot off invisible projectiles whenever she feels like it. That rocks. And just think of how dangerous she would be if she ever got pushed too far. “Threaten my family, will you? Bam! Force field embolism! Inside your brain!” Not that I would ever use my force fields to hurt people, of course. I’d mostly concentrate on minor acts of dickery, like keeping panhandlers at bay or “bumping” anyone who tries to get too chatty on the streetcar. There’s probably a good reason why cosmic rays never had their way with me. A
